Day 8: I have no excuse. I'm a failure.

So it's been a while since I have posted anything....I have no excuse. I'm a failure. The week before last I took a little ballet-break and tapped someone for honor society, but last week, what it comes right down to is that I was so emotionally drained from the intensity of ballet, that I couldn't get my poor ego up off the floor to go to the computer and type up a review.

Upon beginning this journey through ballet, my conceptions of what it may be like were nothing less than terrifying. I figured I had no hope and that even though I was going to do it because I needed to, there was no way in the world I was going to actually succeed. This, I call the "failure mentality". The "failure mentality" basically makes a lose lose situation for itself because it doesnt do it's best because it thinks it is going to fail anyways. When it does fail, it then blames the fact that it wasn't doing it's best as to avoid the horrible heartbreak that accompanies a give-it-all-you-got failure. I hate failing. I loathe losing. I absolutely despise the thought of being the worst. So for me, Miss Competitive, trying something new is a no-go. If I do try something new, I either do it by myself till I get good, or I don't try it all. This is a character flaw if you ask me, so when I realized that I had the "failure mentality" when it came to ballet, I was faced with two options. I could quit: fail my senior project, never learn what's necessary and waste my time and money, OR I could do my best: risk failing, learn from my failure, get better, go to UW and live happily ever after. Despite my flesh telling me to quit because, God forbid, I might fail, for obvious reasons that my sane side embraced, I chose to give it my all and see what happened.

Evidentally, last weekend, the dance school had a guest teacher there...lets call him...Fred. Every time Fred comes around and does a worksho, from what I hear, my dance teacher goes from laid back chatty Kathy to GO! GO! GO! BE BETTER! POINT YOUR TOES! DON'T BE LAZY! SQUEEZE YOUR BUTT! DO YOUR POSITIONS! FLEX, TIGHTEN, AND DO IT WHILE LOOKING PRETTY! Frankly, I prefer the Helga-version of my teacher to the chatty Kathy, I mean don't get me wrong, she's fun and nice and funny, but I come to dance class...to dance. If I wanted to talk, I would go to speech. I don't know what is expected of me in ballet. How am I supposed to know if no one tells me? I didn't know how to position myself or how my arms and fingers should be rounded etc., but now, I do! Before last week, ballet was hard and frustrating, I guess, but not the terrorizing learning expeience that I had envisioned. I like the terror better. It will make me better.

We worked on piroettes in class and we all sucked. I was doing my best, which is pathetic. My best should be better. Once again we were critiqued by a child, which is always a bundle of fun. Having an 11 year old tell me that I didn't point my toes and I looked sloppy is just what I wished for on my birthday! Feliz Cumpleanos a mi! We also stayed after class for 20 minutes and got a stern talking to about how we need to try harder and how she can tell us what to do all the live long day, but at the end of dress rehearsal, we are still the ones who have to perform it.
She's right! I'm the only one who can control me!

Tonight is ballet, so Ill be updating you on how that all shakes out shortly!

Pray for me and my poor fragile emotions!

Love,
Ballebrina